Fuck Texas! and here's why (unfinished)

It’s either them or us. This conflict has been boiling to a head for 163 years, and now is the time to settle it. No more procrastinating. It is our duty as Americans to get rid of those cow-herding, over-sized belt-buckle wearing, ten gallon hat dawning, bull-riding, tobacco-spitting, right-to-bear arms defending, progress impeding, “there’s nothing wrong with execution” believing, uber-traditonalists. Yes, that is right, Texas.
Now, the rational, but not necessarily enlightened, person may be wondering, “Why do we need to get rid of Texas?” Well, if the reasons listed above are not sufficient reasoning for the eradication of those varmints, to borrow a word from the great orator Yosemite Sam, then perhaps the thought of ol’ George ‘Dubya’ Bush will sway opinions. That is right, the 43rd President of the United States, who may or may not have orchestrated a not-so-well executed robbery of the Brinks truck that the 2000 election was being shipped on. Yes, the man who when given all the correct Intel, still managed to start a war with the wrong country. The former governor of . . . that’s correct, Texas.
Still not convinced that Texas needs to be erased from the Atlas? Well how about considering the other two presidents that the “great state” of Texas has produced: Lyndon B. Johnson and Dwight D. Eisenhower. Although it is a conspiracy theory, the 1991 film JFK “identif[ied] Johnson as the one who stood to gain the most from Kennedy’s death” (Walker 2). Albeit speculation, the involvement of the current Vice President of the time in a conspiracy to kill the nation’s beloved adulterer president, is enough to say he fell out of the shady tree and smacked every branch. Who is to say that LBJ wasn’t standing on the grassy knoll doing his best Dick Cheney impersonation; to be chronologically correct though, Cheney may have been doing his best LBJ on that infamous quail hunt.
As for Eisenhower, this man never took a firm stand on anything. He was as indecisive a policymaker as the media is about whether or not eggs are good for our cholesterol. The one truly admirable thing he did do was done half-heartedly. In 1957, when the governor of Arkansas was trying to block integration, Eisenhower “federalized the Arkansas National Guard and sent U.S army paratroopers into Little Rock to prevent violence,” but not necessarily to enforce the integration. That’s the equivalent of the forefathers drafting the Declaration of Independence, and at the end writing, “We would really like it if you wouldn’t be so tough on us all the time.”
As a capper, LBJ is believed to have “Dick Cheneyed” Marilyn Monroe’s presidential lover in Texas— Dallas nonetheless. Texas needs to be blown off the map simply to prevent it from producing anymore presidents, and also so it can no longer swallow the other states good presidents out of jealousy.